242 Funny Animal Jokes That Will Drive You Wild With Laughter

Why did the fox go for a duck?

Because he was rubbish at cricket. (Probably something to do with not being able to hold a bat in his little paws - Ed)

When do ducks usually wake up?

At the quack of dawn!

Q: What’s the difference between a tree and a moose? A: I don't know?

No wonder you're failing biology

A goat, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff...

Baa-dum-sss!

What did the bored goat say?

Mehhh!

What did the goat say when it pranked the cow?

Just kidding!

How do you stop a goat from charging?

You unplug it!

What do you call a goat that likes cleaning?

A room-BAAA!

What do you call a goat that likes country music?

Billy Ray Cyrus!

What do you call a goat that knows martial arts?

The Karate Kid!

What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?

Britain’s Goat Talent!

What do you call a goat who paints pictures?

Vincent Van Goat!

Why is it hard to have a conversation with a goat?

They always butt in!

Why did the goat run off the cliff?

It didn't see the ewe turn!

What's 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 1/2 goat?

Chicago!

What do you call a goat with a beard?

A Goatee!

What’s a goat’s favorite musical?

Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat!

Why are goats from France so musical?

Because they have French horns!

What do you call a goat on a mountain?

A Hillbilly!

My pet snake is exactly 3.14m long...

Its a π-thon!

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky!

Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?

Because their kids have to play inside!

What did the mummy spider say to baby spider?

You spend too much time on the web!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fishually impaired!

How is a throwing a dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?

They're both flying information!

Why do birds fly to warmer climates in the winter?

Because it's easier than walking!

What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?

A hot frog!

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis!

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a porcupine?

An animal that can sew its own sweaters!

Why should you not write a book on penguins?

Because writing a book on paper is much easier!

Why do polar bears and penguins not get on?

Because they are polar opposites!

Why do bee keepers have such beautiful eyes?

Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder!

Why is a bear big, brown and hairy?

Because if it was small, smooth and white... it would be an egg!

What's Swiper's favourite dance?

The fox trot!

What car does a snake drive?

An ana-Honda!

What kind of vehicle does a mouse drive?

A mini van!

What mouse was a Roman Emperor?

Julius Cheeser!

What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?

Mouse code!

Why was the mouse afraid of swimming?

Catfish!

What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer?

Mice cubes!

What kind of cheese do mice like?

Mouserella!

What is small, furry, and brilliant at sword fights?

A mouseketeer!

Why do mice have long tails?

Well, they'd look silly with long hair!

Why do mice need oiling?

Because they squeak!

What's a mouse's least favourite song?

What's up Pussycat!

Why did the mouse stay inside?

Because it was raining cats and dogs!

What's a cow's favourite sci-fi TV programme?

Dr. Moo!

What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account?

Prime mates!

What do you give a sausage dog with a fever?

Mustard - it's the best thing for a hot dog!

What happened to the frog who parked on the double yellow lines?

Its car got toad!

Who's the smartest pig in the world?

Ein-swine!

Why should you never share a bed with a pig?

They hog all the covers!

What do you call an angry pig?

Disgruntled!

What are bears without bees?

Ears!

What did the shark say after eating a clown fish?

This tastes a little funny!

What did the shark say when he was accused of hitting his brother?

Not gill-ty!

What's a sharks favourite movie?

Shaw-shark Redemption!

What is a Great White shark's favourite kind of sandwich?

Peanut butter and jellyfish!

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?

An animal that talks your head off!

What did the Mum shark say to the kid shark?

Watch that sharkasm, young man!

What do sharks do when they have a big choice to make?

Chews wisely!

What did the shark say to the other shark?

There's some-fin special about you!

How does a shark greet a fish?

Pleased to eat you!

Where do sharks go on vacation?

Finland!

What do sharks order at McDonalds?

A quarter flounder with cheese!

What happened when the shark got famous?

He became a starfish!

Why do sharks live in salt water?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

What did prehistoric animals get instead of blisters?

Dino sores!

What do you call a bear without any teeth?

A gummy bear!

Which pet is the loudest?

A trumpet!

What's Peter Pan's favourite animal?

A tinkerbull!

What did Hamm build his house out of?

Mahogany!

Why did Woody give Bullseye some cough syrup?

Because he was horse!

What type of magazines do cows read?

Cattlelogs!

What do you call an elephant that can't stop cleaning?

Cinderelephant!

Why couldn't Cinderella use horses to pull the Pumpkin Coach?

Because they were too busy playing stable tennis!

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?

They only get to celebrate them in leap years!

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?

Hoppy birthday!

Where do sheep get their hair cut?

At the baa-baa shop!

Where do lions sell their unwanted stuff?

At a jungle sale!

How do you stop a skunk from smelling?

Hold it's nose!

You never see elephants hiding in trees...

They must be really good at it!

They told me to stop doing flamingo impressions...

I had to put my foot down!

What did the grape say when the sloth stood on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

What do sloths like to read?

Snooze-papers!

What do you call a cat who works for Santa?

Santa Claws!

Why did the lobster giggle?

Because the sea weed!

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have such big fingers!

Which dinosaur knew the most words?

The thesaurus!

What do you call a dog falling from a great height?

A chihuahu–aaaargh!

What do you call a pig who steals stuff?

A hamburglar!

Person 1: My dog has no nose! Person 2: But how does he smell?

Terrible!

What do you call a wasp?

A wanna-bee!

Why don't penguins fly?

Because they're not tall enough to be pilots!

What is a skunk’s favourite Christmas carol?

Jingle Smells!

How do Mexican sheep say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?

Cross mouse cards!

Who delivers Christmas presents to baby sharks?

Santa Jaws!

Did you hear abut the vampire who got a pet dog?

He'd always wanted a bloodhound!

What animal is best at baseball?

A bat!

What did one pig say to the other on Valentine's Day?

Don't go bacon my heart!

Where do cows go for entertainment?

To the moo-vies!

What sea creature can add up?

An octo-plus!

What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels?

A Stegosaurus on roller skates!

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk!

What do cows use in WhatsApp messages?

Emooojis!

What’s the most famous fish?

A star-fish!

What goes tick-tock woof-woof?

A watchdog!

How many skunks does it take to make a stink?

A phew!

What do you get if you cross Darth Vader with a toad?

Star Warts!

What goes dot-dash-ribbit?

A morse-toad

What's a dog’s favourite kind of pizza?

Pup-eroni!

What do ghosts put on their turkey?

Grave-y!

What is a snake’s favourite subject?

Hisstory!

How do you make a baby snake cry?

Take away its rattle!

Did you hear about the dog who ate nothing but garlic?

His bark was worse than his bite!

What snakes do you find on cars?

Windscreen vipers!

What goes ‘hith, hith’?

A snake that's bitten its tongue!

What do hedgehogs eat?

Prickled onions!

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pony!

Don't worry, you're just a little hoarse!

How do rabbits travel?

By hare-oplane!

Why will a dog never win Strictly?

They have two left feet!

What reindeer has the worst manners?

Rude-olph!

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff!

Where do you put a criminal sheep?

Behind baas!

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a sheep!

Oh that's very baaaaaaaad!

What did one penguin say to the other?

Nothing, he gave him the cold shoulder!

Why are leopards bad at hide and seek?

Because they're always spotted!

Why are octopuses good in a war?

They're well armed!

What’s an alligator’s favourite card game?

Snap!

What is a bear’s favourite drink?

Coca-Koala!

What do pigs put on cuts?

Oinkment!

What was the pig doing in the kitchen?

Bacon!

What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer!

How do pigs send secret messages?

With invisible oink!

How do pigs get to hospital?

By hambulance!

Did you hear about the dog who went to see the flea circus?

He stole the show!

Who delivers your dog’s Christmas presents?

Santa Paws!

What do you call dogs who did up ancient artefacts?

Barkaeologists!

What do you call a tiger at the North Pole?

Lost!

What first aid do mice learn?

Mouse to mouse resuscitation!

What’s a mouse’s favourite game?

Hide and squeak!

What do you get if you cross a dog with a calculator?

A best friend you can really count on!

What's black and white, black and white, black and white?

A penguin rolling down a hill!

Where do kittens go on school trips?

The mewseum!

Why did the ladybird go to the doctor?

She had spots!

Why did the lion spit out the clown?

He tasted funny!

Did you hear about the hungry lion?

He swallowed his pride!

Where do frogs hang their coats?

In the croakroom!

What weighs two tons and jumps like a frog?

A hoppypotamus!

What's green and loud?

A froghorn!

What's a frog's favourite sweet?

A lollihop!

How do hedgehogs play leapfrog?

Very, very carefully!

What do you get if you cross a hedgehog with a giraffe?

A really long toothbrush!

What is a prickly pear?

Two hedgehogs!

Why was the duck arrested?

It was suspected of fowl play!

On what side does a duck have the most feathers?

The outside!

When does a duck get up?

At the quack of dawn!

What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?

Quacks in the pavement!

What do you call an elephant in a phone box?

Stuck!

What kind of fish performs operations?

A sturgeon!

What do fish use to help them hear?

A herring aid!

Why do fish live in salt water?

Pepper makes them sneeze!

Which part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales!

Where do fish sleep?

On the sea bed!

What do you call fish with no eyes?

A fsh!

There were two goldfish in a tank. What did one say to the other?

How do you drive this thing?

What do you get when a dinosaur walks through a strawberry patch?

Strawberry jam!

What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot?

Sir!

How do dolphins make decisions?

They flipper coin!

What do you call a donkey with three legs?

A wonkey!

What do you call a dinosaur who wears glasses?

A Doyouthinkysaraus!

Why did the dinosaur take a bath?

To become ex-stinked!

What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?

Try-try-try-ceratops!

How do hens dance?

Chick to chick!

What’s the most musical part of a fish?

The scales!

How do dogs train their fleas?

From scratch!

Why does a Brontosaurus have a long neck?

Because its feet smell.

What do you call it when one cow spies on another?

A steak-out!

Why was the crab arrested?

For pinching stuff!

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No-eye deer!

What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur?

Jurassic pork!

What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ?

Find somewhere else to sleep!

Why did the T-rex cross the road?

To eat the chicken on the other side!

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because chickens hadn't evolved yet!

Why did the boy take his dog to a watchmaker?

It had ticks!

Why do ducks make good detectives?

They always quack the case!

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow?

Roost beef!

How do chickens communicate?

With fowl language!

What do you call a cow you can’t see?

Camooflaged!

What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?

You can't tuna fish!

Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs?

You might step in a poodle!

What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie!

What do you call a Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ?

Tyrannosaurus Tex!

How do chickens leave the building?

They use the eggs-it!

What do you call a Triceratops with carrots in its ears?

Anything you like, it can't hear you!

Which musical instruments can catch fish?

Castanets!

Doctor, doctor! I can't help thinking I'm a goat. How long have you felt like this?

Since I was a kid!

Knock, knock! Who's there? The interrupting cow. The interrupting…

[INTERRUPT THEM] MOOOO!!!

What do you do if you find a bear in your toilet?

Let it finish!

Why do dogs run in circles?

It's too hard to run in squares!

Knock, knock! Who's there? Cowsgo. Cowsgo who?

No, cows go moo!

Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm a dog! Do take a seat.

I can't - Mum says I'm not allowed on the furniture!

What kind of dog does magic tricks?

A Labracadabrador!

Who was the horse's favourite footballer?

NEIGH-mar!

Who was the sheep's favourite footballer?

Paul PogBAAA!

What do you call a penguin in the desert?

Lost!

What do you get if you sit under a cow?

A pat on the head!

What do you get if you cross a snake with a builder?

A boa constructor!

What's the most musical part of a turkey?

The drumstick!

What does a Triceratops sit on?

Its tricerabottom!

What sport is a Brontosaurus good at?

Squash!

What did the beaver say to the tree?

Nice gnawing you!

Why was the bear spoiled?

People always panda'd to him!

What happened when the frog's car broke down?

It got toad away!

What is the wettest animal?

A rain-deer!

Why do owls get invited to parties?

Because they're a hoot!

What do you call a pig who can't mind its own business?

A nosey porker!

Where do you find a monster snail?

At the end of a monster's finger!

What did one pig say to the other pig?

You take me for grunted!

How does a mouse feel after a bath?

Squeaky clean!

Why are dinosaurs no longer around?

Because their eggs stink.

What is the best way to get in touch with a fish?

Drop it a line!

What kind of dog comes from Asgard and wields a mighty hammer?

A labrathor!

Which animal do you want to be in winter?

A little otter!

What do mice hate doing most?

Mousework!

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?

When you're a mouse!

What animal drives really badly?

A road hog!

What’s a Canadian’s favourite dessert?

Chocolate moose!

What kind of key opens a banana?

A monkey!

What was the scariest prehistoric animal?

The Terror-dactyl!

Why did the horse sneeze?

Hay fever!

Why don’t fish play tennis?

They’re scared of the net!

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships!

How many elephants can you put into an empty stadium?

One - after that it isn't empty!

What do elephants wear to go swimming?

Trunks!

What did the duck say to the waiter?

Put it on my bill!

What do you call a duck who's always telling jokes?

A wisequacker!

Why did the elephant quit the circus?

He was being paid peanuts!

Which dinosaurs are the worst drivers?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks!

Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I’m a cat! How long has this been going on?

Since I was a kitten!

What is Dracula’s favourite dog?

A bloodhound!

Do you know how long dinosaurs lived?

The same as short ones!

How do horses say hello?

Hay!

Why did the T-rex eat raw meat?

Because its itty-bitty arms couldn't work the oven!

What's a horses favourite TV drama?

Neighbours!

What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom!

What's the best kind of cheese to use to disguise a small horse?

Mascarpone!

Did you hear about the sad horse?

He told a tale of whoa!

What’s black, white and noisy?

A zebra playing the drums!

What is the best thing to do if you see a T-rex?

Pray he doesn't see you!

What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo?

A Tricera-hops!

Where do walruses go to see movies?

The dive-in!

Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the moovies!

What do you give a sick kangaroo?

A hoperation!

What do you get from nervous cows?

Milkshakes!

What do frogs love about Christmas?

Mistle-toad

How do rabbits comb their hair?

With a harebrush!

What do snails do on the road?

About a mile a day!

What is a snail?

A slug with a crash helmet!

How do snails fight?

They slug it out!

How can you tell if a pony has a sore throat?

He's a little hoarse!

What do cats have minty breath?

They use mousewash!

What has fifty legs but can’t walk?

Half a centipede!

What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus?

The strawberry is red!

When does a horse talk?

Whinny wants to!

What kind of horse is good at swimming?

A seahorse!

Which reptile tells jokes?

A stand-up chameleon!

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course – houses can’t jump!

What game do horses like best?

Stable tennis!

Why do cows lie down in groups when it’s cold?

To keep each udder warm!

Why are elephants wrinkled?

Have you tried ironing one?

What’s blue and has big ears?

An elephant at the North Pole!

How do you stop an elephant charging?

Take away its credit card!

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a sparrow?

Broken telephone wires!

What’s the difference between an elephant and a biscuit?

You can't dip an elephant in your tea!

What's green and hangs from trees?

Dinosaur snot.

What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo?

A Bronco-saurus!

How many dinosaurs can you fit in an empty box ?

One - after that, the box isn't empty!

What do you find on a dinosaur's floor?

Rep-tiles!

When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet?

When it's not raining!

What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes?

Out of the way as quickly as you can!

What's the best way to raise a baby dinosaur?

With a crane!

What does a dinosaur call a porcupine?

A toothbrush!

Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds?

Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus!

What makes more noise than a dinosaur?

Two dinosaurs!

What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing?

Its shadow!

What came after the dinosaur?

Its tail!

Who made sure the dinosaurs obeyed the law?

Tricera-cops!

How do you know if there is a dinosaur in your refrigerator?

The door won't shut!

What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have?

Baby dinosaurs!

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work!

How does a T-rex cut wood?

With a dinosaw!

What bird is always out of breath?

A puffin!

What kind of bird sticks to clothes?

A vel-crow!

Why do cows tell jokes?

To amoo-se themselves!

How does a farmer count his animals?

With a cowculator!